


To Feel

by obviouslyelementary



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: The Next Generation
Genre: After The Descent, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Character Study, Data (Star Trek)'s Emotion Chip, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Family Feels, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, POV Data (Star Trek), Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-09
Updated: 2020-07-09
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:20:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25164574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/obviouslyelementary/pseuds/obviouslyelementary
Summary: After the happenings of The Descent, Data decides to be relieved from duty to try and understand what happened while he was under Lore's influence.His friends don't want him to be alone, though.
Relationships: Crew of the Starship Enterprise & Data, Data & Geordi La Forge, Data & Jean-Luc Picard
Comments: 3
Kudos: 38





	To Feel

**Author's Note:**

> I cried writing this excuse me

It... hurt.

He did not understand why or how, considering that even though he had felt that pain in a little more than a few hours ago, it now felt alien to him, impossible to comprehend, as if it had not been more than an illusion, a dream, an hallucination. He could barely remember how it felt, or why he was so desperate to have it again, now that the feelings had subsided and he was back to himself again.

He could not feel, but he could wish, that Lore had not been so mistreated in the past. Perhaps, he would have learned how to love, and in his love, would have allowed Data to feel like he did, fully, completely, with no second thoughts or malicious schemes.

Perhaps all Lore could feel was anger and hatred. As much as he could easily pretend to be happy or joyful, Data saw none of the true happiness he saw in his humanoid friends. He only saw pain, and a lack of trust. It took Data a while to realize how truly damaged Lore was by his past, and yet, he could not absolve him from his mistakes. He had to be deactivated, dismantled and forgotten, at least until someone could rewrite his programming and make him capable of being around living organisms again.

But it still was wrong, and Data wondered how badly he would have hurt other people had his friends not found a way of turning his moral programming on again. Because he did not feel guilt. He did not feel regret. Or at least he did not think he did, because he could not feel anything other than anger and pleasure when plans were successful.

He would have killed Picard. He would have destroyed Geordi's brain. He would have tortured Deanna. All for Lore's plan of conquering the universe. All because the only feelings he was allowed to feel were harmful ones.

Part of him was still confused as to why Geordi decided to hold on to the chip after all Data had done to him. He was confused as to why the Federation would allow him to remain as an officer. It was proven that he was an active threat, and considering his choices, he would never be strong enough to deny himself feelings in exchange for other's safety. At least, he did not believe he would be capable of doing so.

And yet, feelings escaped him once more. He felt, for days. And now, he was back to the numbness of being an android. And once again he had no idea what it felt like, to feel.

As wrong as it was, at least considering his inner moral programming, he requested to be relieved of duty for at least a few days. He did not trust himself to make correct decisions, and he needed sometime to reflect and understand what had happened before he could return to duty as usual. The captain allowed him the time, and by Data's own request, placed two guards in front of his door for constant surveillance, although with quite some hesitation.

He also requested not to have any visits, but that his friends were not willing to do. Therefore, they were allowed to come inside whenever they pleased as long as Data authorized it, knowing that isolation would not be good to anyone, specially in such conditions.

Geordi was the first to come, when they discussed the chip and he took it with himself to keep it safe, and make sure Data's life long dream would not be destroyed or forgotten. After that, Data was visited by all the elite officers, all his friends, accepting the gifts and words they brought with them without many words. Keiko and O'Brien brought flowers, William invited him for a game of poker, Deanna brought him comforting words and a hug, Beverly gave him a special food she found for Spot and some clothes she had made for the cat, and Worf did not say a single word, walking inside and placing the Hegh'bat ceremonial knife in front of him before leaving.

Data was thankful that his friends came and did the best they could to make him feel better, but he could not feel. And perhaps that was the real issue.

Eventually the captain came over, and Data allowed him in as he did the others. Picard made his way inside calmly, looking around, taking in all the gifts and then finding the chair to sit in front of Data's post, where he sat all day long, now with Spot on his lap. She meowed at the captain and jumped off Data's lap, rubbing against Picard's legs and then finding her way to the couch nearby.

The silence that unfolded would be considered awkward to humans, but Data could not feel awkward. So, he waited. Patiently.

For three minutes and seventeen seconds they remained in silence, before Picard raised his head and looked at him with a serious expression.

"Mister Data" he began, and Data gave him a nod "I... am respectful of your decision to be relieved from duty for a few days. I understand that the events that occurred in the last week have been quite intense and difficult to comprehend, to all of us. However I want you to know that I am expecting the best out of all my officers at all time, and if you do not work according to the standards, you will have to be reassigned."

Data understood what the captain was doing. He acted differently to all his officers, in the manner he believed they would better respond. With Worf, he was assertive and firm, and quite aggressive. With Deanna and Geordi, he tended to be softer and sweeter, knowing they did not respond well to aggressiveness. To William, he had a fatherly approach, praising him when he was correct and scolding him when he was wrong, but never making him feel attacked. To Beverly, he had a conversational approach, probably due to their story together.

He believed he would be able to reach him by focusing on his work as an officer. But Picard would never be able to reach him.

"If I do not work as efficiently as I was programmed to, I expect to be reassigned or even replaced. If you wish me to return to duty immediately, I will sir."

Picard did not seem to have been waiting for that answer. He looked uncomfortable, and perhaps even slightly upset, emotions that now were foreign to Data once more.

"Data... I'm sorry" he said, and Data tilted his head while the captain sighed and slid his hands over his head in a demonstration of distress. "I did not mean... this situation is difficult on all of us. If you were human, we would know how to help, but we do not. We just want to understand what is happening to you. Inside your head. How we can make you go back to the way you were."

"I am back to the way I was sir" Data said, and Picard looked at him with what Data could only describe as pity. "I do not feel emotions anymore, and I do not wish to do so. I am now simply taking in all the information I gathered about my experience with Lore and the borg and trying to connect links that will further allow me to express my experiences. I just need time."

"Honestly mister Data, I think you need therapy" Picard said, in a way he had never spoke to Data before. He sighed and nodded, looking at him and reaching over the table to hold his shoulder. "You helped me when I was taken by the borg. You did all you could to save me, and because of you, I am here right now. Allow us to help you mister Data. Even if our help is infinitesimal. Don't be afraid to talk to us."

"I am not afraid sir" Data said, looking into Picard's eyes. "I do not have any feelings."

After the first day, the visits became more and more scarce, as Data expected. The work on the ship was back to normal, they were returning to the Federation with their reports, and they already had a mission to prepare for the following weeks. The only one that did not stop visiting him, no matter what, was Geordi.

Geordi spent at least five hours of his day in Data's quarters with him. Most of the time, he spent more. As soon as his shift ended, he came over, eating lunch or dinner in Data's company, talking about nothing while Data responded, processing all the information in the background of his programming while he watched Geordi eat.

And one think he realized the more Geordi came over, was his lack of ability to call him or refer to him as a friend.

Even though he could not feel remorse, regret, guilt, or any feelings whatsoever, he knew what he had done was wrong beyond all humanoid comprehension. Many species used torture as a mean of extracting information, but even to those, torturing friends was not viewed as an acceptable course of action, unless it was a final resource. What Data had done to Geordi was not a final resource of any kind, it was an experiment, one that would have ended up with Geordi's death. Humanoid lives were sacred, that was what his programming said, because they could not be put back together. They could not be turned on. It was one and it was final.

If the captain had not found a way of breaking through his system, Geordi would be dead, the captain would be dead, Deanna, William, Worf, Hugh, they would all be dead. And now, he and Lore would be travelling through space together, probably making up a new plan to destroy humankind.

"Data?" he heard, looking up at Geordi while he walked closer to the table, sitting on the opposite side and looking at Data. He seemed confused. "Are you listening to me?"

"You said the power converters are going to be replaced by the newest models once we reach starbase 92 and that you are unsure they will work on-"

"No yeah of course you heard what I said" Geordi chuckled and looked at him with a smile. "I meant like... you weren't paying attention were you? What were you thinking about?"

"What I have been thinking about for the past five days Geordi" he said, and Geordi's smile fell flat and his expression turned into a sad one.

"Aren't you tired of relieving those days over and over again Data? It's done. It's over."

"I am aware that it is. But there are still several factors to take in consideration around the duration of my life among the borg and Lore and I-"

"Data stop" Geordi said, and he stopped talking again. "I don't mean stop talking, I mean stop thinking about it."

"I cannot stop thinking about anything."

"Yes you can!" he said, acting quite angry while looking at Data with a clear frown. "Think about work, about Spot, about painting, about your dreams, about anything else Data but stop thinking about what happened!"

Geordi had never yelled at him before. Not like this. Not in such an emotional fashion.

Data could only deduce that he was scared, and angry.

"Geordi, I do not wish for my company to cause you distress. You do not have to come here. You do not have to interact with me. You do not have to address me unless it is for working proposes. I will not hold anything against you if you wish to never see me again. I understand."

Geordi became quite then, and Data stared at him, waiting for a response, or for him to stand up and leave the room and never come back. Instead, Geordi removed his visor, and Data was surprised to see the tears in Geordi's eyes, ones he was quick to wipe away while to took a slow and deep breath.

"God damn it Data..." he whispered, closing his eyes and sighing again, tears continuously filling up his eyes even though he continuously wiped them off. "Years with human companionships and you still do not understand, do you? I thought after feeling... anything for the first time, you would finally get it, it would finally click in your brain, but it hasn't."

"Geordi..." he whispered, but Geordi raised his hand.

"No, I'm going to speak now" he said, and Data shut his mouth immediately. "No one in this god damned ship believes that bullshit anymore Data. We don't believe you don’t feel. You know why? Because you have shown feelings so many times without realizing it that it is almost like you are too stupid to see it. You have a cat, you care for this cat like she is your whole life. You care about us when we are injured, you make decisions out of logic always considering not to get anyone hurt, you sacrifice yourself for us countless times without thinking about it. You show surprise and amazement when you see things you never saw before, you ask questions that we cannot answer, and for god's sake Data you feel! You feel, more than I ever felt! More than anyone has ever felt!" he yelled, standing up and rubbing his eyes, forgetting his visor at the table and standing behind the chair. "Do you know what you're doing, locked up here all these days?! You are drowning on your guilt. You are afraid of going outside and having some sort of killer instinct activate. You are scared of confronting your friends, whom you hurt. You are doing what any other person would do in the same situation! So don't come to me saying that you don't have feelings or that you are fine if I just leave and never come back. Don't you come telling me you don't care about what happened, about what you did, that you're not feeling regretful and remorseful for hurting the people who always loved and always will love you for who you are! I am your friend Data. Your best friend. And I love you. I love you and I hate seeing you locking yourself away as if you were a deadly machine of some kind..."

Geordi sighed and wiped his eyes again, before following the layout of the table and reaching Data's chair, holding his shoulders, looking more or less at his face, with his glazed eyes blurry with tears.

"I love you, you god damned android" he whispered, and leaned down, wrapping Data in a tight hug. Data took a moment to process all of it, but slowly wrapped his arms around Geordi as well, placing his head on his shoulder and closing his eyes, smelling his fragrance, analyzing all the molecules and particles that made his smell so characteristic.

And something, very small, very quiet and gentle seemed to stir inside his circuits, in his chest, something close to a spark the size of a cell, tiny and hidden away in the depths of his core. It was so small, he barely even realized it, but he felt it, deep inside, twisting in a different way.

And for 0.0000023 seconds...

He felt.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sad


End file.
